Here We Go Again

It's been almost a month since we learned that our first embryo transfer was not successful.  After some time spent in mourning and a much needed break from medication, I called to schedule the obligatory "What happened?" appointment.  We went to that appointment this afternoon and sat down with Dr. Magarelli to discuss the last cycle.

Unfortunately, as I had suspected, there were no good answers.  It was just one of those things.  I hate that.  I wish we could simply pin point what went wrong and fix it before moving on.  Sadly, these things are not that easy.

The good news is that we have mapped out a plan for moving forward.  We are changing a couple of things from last time.  First of all, after the estrogen debacle that almost cancelled the transfer last time, we are switching from estrogen patches to injections.  Bleh.  But, I clearly didn't respond well to the patches last time, so I totally understand and agree with the change.  Also, at my request, they are going to follow my natural menstrual cycle instead of manipulating it with birth control.  Last time, I ended up having an 11 day cycle before the transfer and I feel like that really threw off my clock.  I've always had a pretty regular 28 day cycle and felt really out of whack when it changed so significantly.

As far as a schedule, we are planning to do the embryo transfer in mid-December.  That gives me about six weeks for  acupuncture and detoxing all of the caffeine and alcohol I introduced into my system last month.  Here we go again.

The Results

This morning I went in to have my blood drawn in order to find out whether or not the past three months and several thousands of dollars had yielded us the results we had been praying for.  After an excruciating 6 1/2 hours, I finally received the call.  It was Dr. Magarelli himself and he began the conversation with a deep sigh.  At that moment, I knew what he was going to say.

"Well, it didn't work out this time.  You're not pregnant."  At first, I felt my whole body go numb.  Then a lump began to grow in the back of my throat as I attempted to end the conversation without letting my voice quaver too much.  I immediately called Ryan, and as I told him the news I couldn't contain the tears any longer.  I only had a couple of minutes before I had to see my next patient, so I wrapped it up quickly and headed back to my office to see if my patient had arrived.

Unfortunately, he was already seated for a two hour procedure that I wasn't even sure if I was capable of doing.  I ran to the restroom, wiped off the smeared mascara, wet my face and headed back to the treatment room to finish my day.  Before I walked in, I put on my mask and glasses to cover the red skin and puffy eyes.  The whole two hours, I struggled to choke down the rock in the back of my throat and keep the tears away.

At the end of the day, I changed clothes and made my way to my car.  I kept my eyes down and took the long way so I wouldn't have to salute anyone.  As soon as the car door closed, I broke.  I spent the next five minutes doubled over in the driver's seat with my face buried in my hands.  When I finally regained my composure, I drove home in silence with tears streaming down my face.  It was hours before I could even call my parents and let them know the news. So, please, do not take offense if you are close to me and I didn't call you today to let you know.  I just wasn't able.

So where do we go from here?  Quite frankly, I'm not sure.  I definitely am not up for another transfer yet.  I need a break.  I need to gain a little bit of normalcy before I jump in again.  We have four more embryos waiting for us.  Maybe one of those was meant to be our little one.  I suppose we'll see.  In the mean time, I plan to spend a lot more time on myself and my marriage.  I need to remember the family that I do have instead of dwelling over the one piece that's missing.  I'm fortunate enough to have parents that care, a brother that cares, in-laws that care, and nieces and nephews to adore.  I have amazing friends who support and love me no matter what happens.  I really am a very lucky girl.

Night Before the Pregnancy Test

It's been a couple of days since I took a home pregnancy test.  I just couldn't bear to see anymore negatives.  I wouldn't say that I have completely lost my hope, but I would say that I'm managing my expectations.  According to the www.nyufertilitycenter.org, on day nine after a five day embryo transfer, levels of HCG should be detectable.  For me, they were not.  At this point, if I were to have a positive blood test tomorrow, I would fall into the realm of being the exception rather than the rule.  To an extent, I have already grieved for this cycle.  

I have spent more time the past few days working out what Plan B will be than I have being excited about the prospect of potentially being pregnant.  In a lot of ways, this feels safer to me.  If the test comes back negative, I will feel comforted by having a plan in place.  If the test comes back positive, then I can happily toss my plan to the side and I still have nine months to prepare for the next adventure.

If my blood work yields a negative result, I am going to take a couple of months off before going back for another transfer.  This emotional roller coaster has been exhausting and I need to get off of it.  The most important task for the next couple of months is to focus on myself.  I started off about 10 pounds heavier than I wanted to be, then, with all of the hormones and the ban on exercising, I gained another twelve.  Now I'm 22 pounds heavier than I want to be and I hardly recognize myself when I look in the mirror.  My most beautiful clothing doesn't fit me anymore, and as a lover of clothing and fashion, this really breaks my heart.  I will spend the next few months unmedicated and working with a trainer at the gym.

I can't wait to get myself back, not just physically, but emotionally too.  All of the hormones I took completely messed with my emotional stability.  Not to mention, the whole process put so much stress on me that I was singularly focused on having a baby and forgot about many of the other things that are important to me.  I'm excited about the prospect of stepping back and refocusing.  No matter what happens tomorrow, we will create a happy ending.

8 Days After the Transfer

I haven't been writing on the blog because if I actually wrote how I felt each day, then everyone would think I was completely schizophrenic.  One day, I'm so certain that I'm pregnant that I'm picking out cribs and downloading relaxing music to play in the nursery.  The next day, I'm devastated, crying in the shower and devising Plan B.  If I were to post every thought that I had, I am sure that when I finally had a baby someone would come and take it away.

Today I am officially 8 days past a 5 day transfer.  I used to find some solace in an online forum filled with other women who were going through Frozen Embryo Transfers during the month of September.  Yes, the forums really do get that specific.  I was certainly surprised.  Anyhow, after the transfers, many of the women started taking home pregnancy tests.  As early as 4 days after their transfers, these women were getting that second pink line.  The majority of the ladies who did transfers the day after I did have already gotten positive results.

I took my very own home pregnancy test this morning.  It was the most sensitive test on the market.  I got a big fatty fat negative.  I can't help feeling completely discouraged and heartbroken.  The official blood test is on Monday,  but I feel pretty certain that I have my answer.  I know there is still a glimmer of hope, but I don't want to bank on it.  Only a handful of women get a positive blood test with a negative home pregnancy test this late in the game.

If, in fact, I turn out not to be pregnant, here is a list of things to never, ever say to me.
Keep in mind I have already heard all of these in one way or another:

1)  Just relax and maybe it will happen naturally.
2)  Enjoy the freedom of life without kids.
3)  There's always next time (unless you're willing to pay for it next time, then you can say it).
4)  Maybe you weren't meant to have children.
5)  My personal favorite:  You can always just adopt.

Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise

It is the day after my embryo transfer and I am in sitting in my bedroom watching Aladdin and trying to enjoy my time on bed rest.  On the nightstand next to me, I have some beautiful flowers sent by my mother-in-law and the picture of our embryos propped up against it.  Every time I look over, I imagine that they are snuggling in and making a home for the next nine months.

Yesterday was an exciting day in the Manning household.  We spent the morning preparing for the time I would spend on bed rest and took the dogs for a walk.  At 11:00 we headed to the Reproductive Endocrinologist's office for the procedure.  The first order of business upon arrival was our discussion with the doctor about the number of embryos to transfer.  We found out that both of the embryos that they attempted to thaw, thawed successfully and no cells were lost.  This was fantastic news.  After a short discussion, we decided to transfer both of the embryos.

After consents were signed, Ryan and I both got suited up and waited for the procedure to begin.

Waiting to go back into the treatment room.

Throughout this process, there have been multiple students and interns involved in my case.  For the procedure, they all wanted to come back, so I had quite the audience.  Including Ryan and myself, there were nine people crammed into the tiny procedure room.  It was nice to have so much support from the staff at Dr. Magarelli's office.  If a medical procedure can be fun, then I guess we all had a good time and a lot of laughs preparing for the procedure.  I have to say that I wasn't even the slightest bit nervous.  There was so much positivity in the room, I couldn't help but to feel good about it.

The transfer itself went off without a hitch.  It was as smooth as it could possibly be.  After it was all over, the whole staff yelled together, "Let's have a baby!"  and it made me cry happy tears.  Ryan was handed a picture of our two embryos, and we looked at it together while I laid down recovering from the procedure.  Honestly, the procedure itself was not very difficult.  We watched on an ultrasound as the doctor placed the embryos and there was very little discomfort.

So now I just sit and wait hoping that these embryos snuggle into place while I rest in bed.  I find myself analyzing every small stir in my body.  Every stomach gurgle or twinge makes me wonder if the  embryos are cuddling in.  I like to imagine that is exactly what is happening.  The worst part about this phase of IVF is waiting for a definitive answer.  I am scheduled on October 1st for my first blood test to determine whether or not I'm pregnant.  It will be a couple of weeks after that before I know how many implanted.

In the meantime, I greatly appreciate all the support, prayers, and thoughts that so many of you are sending our way.  Ryan and I are truly blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives.  We will do our best to keep everyone updated.

Transfer Day!

Today is the big day!  I am massaged and acupunctured and ready for the day.  We're going into our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) with a lot of optimism and prayer.  At 12:15 Mountain Time (that's 2:15 for the followers in KY), we will be transferring our embryos back  into my uterus and waiting for them to snuggle into the cushy uterine lining that I have been trying to create with medication for the last 2 months.  We won't know until we arrive how many have thawed and how many we are going to transfer back in.

We have 6 totsicles waiting for us at the doctor's office. They are frozen in groups of two.  The embryologist will begin by unfreezing the two highest quality embryos.  If both survive, Ryan and I are hoping to transfer both.  Each individual embryo has about a 40% chance of implanting.  When you transfer two, you have an 80% chance of getting pregnant and about a 30% chance of ending up with fraternal twins (at least for our age and health).  In about 1% of cases, the embryos split causing identical twins.  That means, in a very very small percentage of cases, people who transfer two end up with two sets of identical twins or quadruplets.  My Reproductive Endocrinologist has been practicing since 1992 and has had this happen three times total.  Please pray that we are not number four.

I honestly don't have a preference about whether we have twins or just one baby, there are pros and cons to both.  My only hope is that we don't have more than two, as this greatly increases the risk to both the babies and to me.  I just want to have a healthy pregnancy and a baby who is a combination of myself and my wonderful husband.

Throughout this process, Ryan has proven himself to be the single most thoughtful, empathetic, and kind person that I have ever met.  He is far more amazing than I even thought he might be the day that I married him.  I am so fortunate to have someone like him in my life, and the world would be truly blessed to have a child of his in it.  I hope that our child takes after their father in every way possible.  I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he will be a phenomenal dad.

After the procedure today, I will go in for one more acupuncture appointment then head home for three days of bed rest.  I have spent the past couple of days setting up the room for optimum entertainment.  I've filled it with books, movies, and I'll have my computer, iPad and phone on the ready for all of my electronic needs.  I am hoping to catch up with friends, download music, read, and update Pinterest while I'm down.  Here are some pictures of the lovely oasis that I've set up for myself.  Hopefully I will manage to stay entertained.

My cozy bed and nightstand full of goodies.

Collection of pregnancy books, but I've already read all but two.

The last year or so of Vogue, one new book (Room), one library book (From Conception to Birth), a few favorites from my collection, my journal, and an iPad for downloading books and updating Facebook and Pinterest.  

Transfer Moved...Again

I last wrote on Monday after an appointment where everything was right on track.  My estrogen level was at 230 and apparently climbing.  Their goal is for estrogen to reach 300 prior to beginning supplementation with progesterone.  On Friday I went in for another ultrasound a blood work to check the lining and make sure I had reached that 300 mark.  After the ultrasound, they said that my uterine lining looked like it belonged in a textbook.  That made me feel really confident about going into the transfer next week.  After this confidence builder, I was completely blindsided when they called Friday afternoon to let me know that not only had my estrogen level not reached 300, but it had actually dropped to 214.

I was devastated.  If my estrogen level didn't rise, I might have to wait until next month to try again.  They asked if I could come back on Saturday morning to see if it had risen, but they made it sound like this was a little bit of a long shot.  That evening, I let my acupuncturist know what had happened and she did a treatment to help stimulate estrogen production.  I also added a fifth estrogen patch to see if I could get the levels to go up.

Saturday morning, I went in and had my blood drawn.  It was a tough morning of waiting for the results.  Needless to say, I had a one track mind.  At 11:30 the nurse called to let me know that not only had my levels risen above 300, but they wanted to move the transfer up a day!  What amazing news!  After all of this waiting and postponing, I was actually going to get to do something ahead of schedule.

I was elated for the rest of the afternoon.  That evening, Ryan and I went out with the Murphy's for sushi and indoor skydiving.  We were both celebrating our 3rd anniversary and having one last night of risky fun before I find myself expecting.  Only three more days!

Waiting in our skydiving suits with Ryan Murphy and my husband Ryan.

Flying high!

So happy!  Pictures complements of Carrie Murphy.