A Little Wine and a Lot of Loneliness

Conventional wisdom would tell us that drinking and writing is, in general, a bad idea.  Aside from the obvious typos, the emotional regurgitation is difficult to suppress when you’re not in control of all of your faculties.  Alas, in my less than clear state of mind, I have decided to plug along and let whatever happens happen. 

I am sitting alone in the bed that I typically share with my husband with only a single child sleeping soundly on the other end of the hallway.  In the last month, the Manning family has made some heart-wrenching decisions in order to transition from military life to the civilian world.  As many of you know, I have spent the last few years serving my country as a dentist in the US Air Force.  Now that my commitment has ended, it’s time to be close to family and to begin the next chapter of our lives. 

My husband was fortunate to find a job opportunity in Louisville, KY that allows us to be near family for the foreseeable future.  The only problem is, the job begins about 6 weeks prior to my commitment with the military ending.  This created a logistical nightmare for the Manning family.  Working full time and taking care of infant triplets is not a task that I would wish on anyone.  In order to avoid the burn-out and sleep deprivation that would occur if one of us kept all three, we made the heavy-hearted decision to divide our family. 

Yesterday afternoon, I watched in tears as my husband and two of my children drove away.  I have been acting as a single mother of one for a little over 24 hours, and already my life feels like a hollow shell.  When I awoke this morning, I got Violet out of bed and changed her diaper as I heated up a bottle.  As soon as I put her on the floor, she crawled to Lincoln’s bed, pulled up on the crib slats, and began crying as she plopped herself on the floor.  She continued to cry as she crawled over to Keira’s bed and repeated the same check for her sister.  I watched in horror as my little girl’s heart broke.  She’s never known a life without her brother and sister. 

Without thinking, I scooped her up and crumpled up on the floor in tears.  We spent the next 10 minutes crying together on the floor, mourning the loss of our family.  A good mother probably would have been stronger than me and had the courage to put on a brave face and soothe her daughter.  Not me.  I felt every ounce of her pain and had no ability to hide it.  After we calmed ourselves, she drank her bottle and I poured my morning coffee.  According to our nanny, it sounded like we both muddled through our day rather pitifully.  Violet was inconsolable all day and I was distant to virtually everyone that I encountered.  Apparently, we’re not very good at letting go. 

I am counting the days (44) until I’m reunited permanently with the rest of my family.  Until then, Violet and I are going to have to learn to be a twosome.  It’s funny.  I thought that after all the experiences that I’ve had in my 30 plus years of life that I understood heartbreak and disappointment.  I didn’t know the half of it until now. 

One of the only pictures of me with all three.  

Lincoln has his daddy's handsome smile.

The Manning Family

Ryan with Lincoln, Keira, and Violet

Our girls, Keira and Violet.

Keira, Lincoln, and Violet. 

I'm so lucky to be married to this man.  

The jumper is one of Miss Keira's favorite things.

Playtime with daddy for Violet and Lincoln.

A private concert with their nanny.

Testing out the new play mat.

Violet with her crazy hair.

Lincoln loving his blocks.

Keira, my little book lover.  Love that the book is upside down.

Sweet Keira.

Something surprising happened to Cuddly Kitten.

Keira takes her studies very seriously.

The babies and their play gyms.

Dueling pianists, Lincoln and Keira.

Playing peacefully together.

Out for a walk.  Violet is not amused.

Busy babies.

Baby jail!

First time gated in.  Lincoln and Violet aren't sure.  Keira loves it.  

Violet and Keira playing together in the jumperoo.

Lincoln and Keira leaving for Kentucky.

My Baby's Average and I'm So Proud

Tuesday, we took the babies to the doctor for a well-baby check-up.  Everything went very, very well.  Whenever I take the babies out, I'm so proud of them.  They're so very well behaved in public.  Granted, I'm always punished when we return home and they realize they're schedule has been messed with, but I'll take it.  I'd rather have three ticked off babies in the privacy of my own home than with an audience present.  We get enough stares as it is.  I certainly don't want them accompanied by looks of pity.

Everybody got glowing reports from the doctor.  When little ones are premature, it is customary to refer to them by both adjusted age and actual age.  Their actual age is how long it's been since they were born.  Their adjusted age is how long it's been since their due date, or when they were supposed to have been born.  Our little ones are now 8 months actual and 5.5 months adjusted.  That means there are two separate growth charts to which they are compared.  As of our last appointment, all three of the babies have made it onto the growth chart for their actual age!   I am so proud.

Our big girl, Miss Keira, weighed in at 17 lbs 10 oz.  This puts her at the 54th percentile.  Average!  I have a baby that's average!  Lincoln man is 17 lbs 1 oz, putting him at the 18th percentile.  And tiny Violet weighed a hefty 14 lbs 2 oz, making her very first appearance on the regular growth chart at the 4th percentile.  It was all I could do to choke back the tears of joy.

When your babies are born premature, you constantly wonder if they will ever catch up.  Will they have developmental delays?  Will they have sensory disorders?  Will their muscles develop properly?  Will they ever learn to read, or talk, or ride a bicycle?  No matter how much you try to appreciate them as they are, it's virtually impossible to escape the cloud of worry that circles around in your mind.  I love them so much it hurts, and I will love them no matter what challenges they may have, but I can't help wanting them to have a typical life.  It's something that I pray about all of the time.

At 8 months old, they're not quite caught up with their full-term peers, but they're getting there.  They roll over, babble, and laugh constantly.  Recently, tiny Violet has learned to sit up unassisted.  They're loaded with personality and, except for being generally joyful little babies, they are all completely different.

Lincoln, Violet, and Keira with mom!

Circle time!  

On the move!

Keira Selene
She's thoughtful, analytical, and simple in her wants and needs.  We've always been able to decipher the intention behind her cries.  She's tired, hungry, or has a poopy diaper.  That's it.  Easy.  As soon as we walk in the kids' bedroom in the morning, her smile and giggle wipe away all of the morning grumpiness.  I wish that I could have half of the joy that Miss Keira has every single morning.

                    

Keira is her momma's little clone.  The first picture is me at 9 months, the second is Keira at 7 months.

Keira hanging out with her daddy.

  

Lincoln Nolan
He's our chill little dude.  He rarely gets upset about anything, which means he is often last.  He is becoming very practiced in the art of patience at a very young age.  Lincoln is 100% boy.  The moment you hand him a toy, his first inclination is to try to tear it apart with his giant man hands (seriously, his hands are disturbingly large for a baby).  You can elicit a smile and a laugh from him simply by looking in his direction.

Lincoln can feed himself!  

Just sitting here.

Won't be long before Lincoln's running around the house.!

Thanks to Mando and Amber!  Lincoln loves riding in the backpack!

Violet Layne
Sassy, opinionated, and passionate.  Whether she's learning a new skill, laughing at mom and dad being silly, or screaming in indignation, this girl commits.  Charming and social, she wins over the heart of each new person she meets while secretly providing challenge after challenge for her exhausted parents at home.  But every time she pushes us to our limits, she turns around and does something so sweet, it melts our hearts.

Let go, dad!  I got this!

One handed sippy cup.

Violet, the cat whisperer.

Culinary Wizard Tackles Baby Purees

Grocery shopping.  Babies everywhere!

I never thought I'd be the type of mom that was fascinated by every little developmental milestone my baby mastered.  Heck, back then I had never even heard the term "developmental milestone."  I mean, who cares if your baby eats solids?  Doesn't everybody learn to eat at some point?  Alas, motherhood has made me more uncool than I could have ever fathomed.  Just so everyone knows, our munchkins recently began eating solid foods.

I decided very early on that I wanted to try making their baby food from scratch.  Unlike cloth diapers, which I felt wholly committed to after the initial financial investment, making baby food was such a small up front cost, I felt I could throw in the towel at any time if it didn't work out.

I started out with a few internet searches, a 50 cent yard sale book, and a quick trip to the grocery store.  I might have been a little overly ambitious.  For some reason, rather than beginning with one or two recipes, I thought it would be a good idea to make the entire first chapter of the baby puree book.  It wasn't.

Sweet Keira.  A rare picture that I'm actually in.

Food-making essentials.  I know what a parsnip is now!

Logically, I decided to begin with the first recipe in the book.  Pureed carrots.  Step one:  peel and chop carrots.  Easy enough.  Just like any person with my culinary expertise would do, I walked over to my computer and googled, "how to peel and chop carrots".  Seriously.  It's something I've never done.

I figured it out!  Also figured out this knife was excessive for the job.

After the carrots were peeled and chopped, I steamed them with a little organic unsalted butter.  According to "Top 100 Baby Purees" by Annabel Karmel, the beta-carotene in the carrots is absorbed more readily when cooked with a little bit of fat.  Who knows?  I like butter, so why wouldn't the babies?

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After the carrots were nice and soft, I blended them up in my teeny tiny food processor.  After several miniature batches and a few colorful words, I vowed to find a better way if I were going to continue this venture.  Now I use a Ninja blender; it's the same one we use to blend up the absurd amounts of formula we have to make every night.

When the puree was finished, I placed it into silicone ice cube trays and put it in the freezer.  

After it was frozen, I placed the cubes in gallon-sized Zip-loc bags and labeled with the contents and date.  That's all there is to it.  It's been about two months and I'm still making their food.  They've had bananas, apples, pears, avocado, sweet potatoes, broccoli, and mango to name a few,  Next, I'll be making combinations for them to try.  To be honest, it hasn't been particularly difficult.  Just time-consuming.  And that means something coming from someone who is as lost in the kitchen as I am.  

Why would I choose to add more work to an already hectic schedule?  I'd like to say the main reason is that it's so much healthier and tastier for the the babies.  But, to be honest, that's just a great big bonus.  The real reason is because it's so much cheaper than buying organic baby food at the store.  I'm talking roughly a quarter of the cost.  I've always been one to spend less money on the have-to-have items so that I can allocate more for the want-to-have things.   If spending a couple hours a week making baby food means that I can buy some fabulous shoes or a wildly unnecessary purse, I'm all over it. 

Before I married a budget conscious accountant (what was I thinking?), I would eat nothing but Ramen for a month so I could purchase a pair of Manolo Blahniks or go to a music festival.  The year after I graduated college, I actually had a friend at the Wendy's down the block that would give me leftover food after the restaurant closed so I could eat for free.  I guess I still have a little bit of this crazy girl inside of me, albeit tempered by my reasonable better half.    

That being said, don't think I'm totally numb to the well-being of my children in the name of frugality.  I am crazy about the benefits of homemade food and cloth diapers; I just happen to also be imperfect and even a little bit selfish at times.  I'd like to think this is normal.  Human, even.  In the advent of mommy wars and intense parental judgment, I think we all need to be honest with ourselves.  Nobody's perfect, and we shouldn't have to pretend that we are.  

Here are some outtakes from the latest Manning baby photo shoot.  The only goal:  three smiles at once.

Violet thought I was being funny.  Lincoln is being silly, and Keira is not amused.

More surprised than amused.

Lincoln and Keira were shocked.  Violet:  flabbergasted.  What the heck was I doing?

Getting closer.  

Nailed it!