Dealing with Sadness

I write each of my blog posts sitting in a glider in the corner of the bedroom that we set up as a baby's room when we moved into this home over a year ago.  We thought for certain we would have news of joy very soon after we arrived in Colorado.  Now, this room is a standing reminder of the missing piece in our lives.  I have been having trouble dragging myself to the computer to write over the past week.  Tonight, I just decided to sit down and write whatever thoughts came into my head.

If everything had gone according to plan with our first IVF cycle, we would have been finding out whether or not we were expecting a child this Friday.  It is strange to think that only two short weeks ago, I was filled with so much hope and happiness about the whole process.  Since the transfer was cancelled, so many things have brought me sadness.  I have had to avoid Facebook, because each time I log on I am bombarded with baby pictures, birth announcements, pregnancy bump updates and stories about children.  I used to be so extremely happy for everyone, but now I can hardly keep tears away.

It makes me feel so guilty that I am so wrapped up in my own sorrow that I can't even feel joy for others.  I have never been this way.  I have always been a supporter and a lover of other people; in the past, I considered this one of my best qualities.  I don't even feel like myself these days because I have lost that.

As we proceed with the Frozen Embryo Transfer, I feel emotionally empty.  I am afraid to be hopeful.  After everything that we have been through so far, all that has happened is that I have had to recover from an illness, I have an empty bank account, no vacation days left at work, and I am 10 pounds heavier.  We haven't even had a chance at creating a family yet.  I don't think I have ever hurt so much in my entire life.

Two days ago, I started birth control to regulate my hormones in preparation for the next phase of IVF.  The good news is, that prior to the Frozen Embryo Transfer, there are no shots.  The only goal this month is to create an environment that is perfect for growing a baby.  This means that I will be taking medication to help create an ideal uterine lining for the embryos to implant into.  This also means that I am going to have to figure out how to get my emotions under control.  I need to find a way to get rid of all of the negative thoughts and surround myself with positivity over the coming weeks.

One thing that made me very happy this past week was shopping for a gift for my nephew's 6th birthday.  I am sad that being away from Kentucky is causing me to miss so many milestones for my nieces and nephews, but when I go back it will make being with them that much more special.

The picture we sent with our nephew's gift.