Crazy Town

Yesterday morning, I woke up a little nauseous, so I ate some spelt toast and headed outside for a leisurely walk with Ryan and the dogs to get some fresh air.  It helped tremendously.  Thinking I was over the worst of the side effects, I decided to settle in on the couch with a few magazines while watching the Olympics.

After a little exciting competition, a commercial break interrupted my perfectly pleasant morning.  A commercial came on about the dangers of texting and driving that showed a young man who had gotten brain damage while texting "Where r."  I totally lost it.  Not just crying, but sobbing and wailing to the point that I couldn't breathe.  Completely crazy town.

I wish that I could say it was an isolated incident, but I've been crying with very little provocation since I began the injections.  I'm afraid that attempting to see patients this week at work is a mistake.  I just know that someone is going to walk into my treatment room and say, "I hate coming to the dentist," and I am going to scream-cry in their face.

Besides being incredibly emotional and slightly nauseous, I've spend a lot of time thinking about what is yet to come.  Today, we are two weeks away from the egg retrieval procedure.  After that, depending on the number and quality of embryos that are created, we have to decide how many to transfer back to me.  Likely, it will be one or two.  Right now, our doctor is leaning towards one.  I'm scared of putting in just one.  If it doesn't work I don't know if I'll have the emotional capacity to go through this too many more times.  We are leaning towards two.  It's not that we want twins, but we would rather have two (or more if they split) than none.  So much to consider, and until we create the embryos, it's all just conjecture.

If you are reading the blog, and you are interesting in helping us out, Misty Alvarez is hosting a Celebrating Home party to help ease some of the financial burden of the process.  Celebrating Home is a collection of gifts, home accents, and gourmet foods that can be ordered online and sent to your home no matter where you live.  So, if you feel like doing a little shopping or getting a jump on the holiday season, check out Misty's Celebrating Home Party and buy yourself something nice.  A warm thank you to Misty for offering to do this for us.  It means so much.  

Let the Injections Begin!

Yesterday, after my acupuncture appointment, I came home to a package.  Not a fun package.  It was a box full of all of the medications I have to take during the IVF cycle.  My husband was kind enough to unpack the box, inventory the items, and get the refrigerated items into the refrigerator.  To be honest, the sheer volume of medication was horrifying.  If you've ever wondered what $3,000 worth of meds looks like, I've included a visual:

Last night was what they call my "Lupron Start."  Basically, it's the beginning of injections.  Lupron is "an injectable medication which exhibits control over ovulation, preventing you from ovulating until your follicles are ready." In layman's terms, it keeps the eggs inside my ovaries until they are mature and my doctor is ready to take them out surgically.  That way, I don't lose any and I have as many as possible to work with on the day of egg retrieval.   


I have to admit, there has been some anxiety about the injections.  I'm glad I was able to get over the first hurdle last night.  The Lupron is injected subcutaneously (under the skin) about two inches away from the navel.  I decided to do the first one myself.  Partly because I'm a control freak, partly because I do injections every day in my job, and partly because my husband is freaking terrified of doing it.  He was kind enough to snap this pic, though.

It definitely stung, but it certainly wasn't the most pain I've ever been through.  Afterwards, the area around the injection site got a little red and itchy, but that went away after an hour or so.  About three hours after, I started to feel a little nauseous, so we turned off the movie we were watching and hit the hay.  Today I feel just fine. 


Some of the side effects of Lupron are hot flashes, sweating, mood swings, decreased libido, nausea, vomiting, breast tenderness, insomnia, headaches, and injection site reaction (redness, itching, and swelling at the injection site).  Not really excited about any of that.  


Tonight, I take my last birth control pill, so I will have 2 days of overlap between that and the Lupron.  Next Friday, I begin the "stimulation."  That's all of the other injections that help the eggs to mature.  Not fun.  


Now, to get off the topic of injections for a second.  My friend Misty Alvarez is hosting a Celebrating Home party to help us finance our little Manning.  Basically, 20% of all sales will go to helping us out.  What's cool is that you don't have to live in Colorado to participate.  You can order online and have the package shipped directly to your house, wherever you live.  I will have more information posted in the next couple of days, but if you would like to begin browsing, check out www.celebratinghome.com.  More on that soon!

Fantastic Day

Yesterday morning, I went into my appointment with Dr. Magarelli poised for terrible news.  I didn't know how far our IVF schedule would be pushed back when we redid the blood test for my OAR score, but I knew that it would be.  As we sat down to talk, I already had a speech prepared about how disappointed I was that everything was going to change.  Then, to my astonishment, he said, "I feel very comfortable proceeding with the original schedule without the OAR score."  What?  I thought that was not negotiable?

He went on to explain that the OAR score is used to give the doctors an estimate of how our bodies will respond to the medication.  However, they don't actually know how you will respond until the medication is on board.  That's why they do a blood test about every other day and adjust your medications accordingly.  Because all of my other testing came back normally, and they saw follicles in my ovaries during the ultrasound, he decided to push forward.  Yay!!

Actually, my testing didn't come back entirely normal.  I have hypothyroidism.  Right now, I'm able to compensate with diet and exercise, but he did put me on Synthroid throughout the duration of my treatment to perfect my thyroid function and hormone levels.  He's the boss.  They also did a baseline ultrasound and blood work yesterday.  During the ultrasound, the nurse counted at least 19 follicles in my ovaries (follicles hold eggs) and the blood work came back great.  We're back on track with the original schedule!!

After we left the doctor's office, we spent the rest of the afternoon getting ready for our "baby making" party.  Basically, Dr. Magarelli likes to educate the community about IVF and prefers to do his marketing through his patients.  If we hosted a party and invited him to do a lecture, we would get $75 off the cost of IVF per person in attendance.  Last night, we had 57 people attend our party!  That makes $4,275 off the cost of our procedure!!  I want to send a warm thank you to those of you that were in attendance last night.  With everything we've been going through lately, having that amount off the final cost helps us to breathe a little easier.  We would have struggled to do it without you all.

Dr. Magarelli lecturing about reproduction.  Thanks to the guys in the front for keeping it interesting! 

Why does no one ever sit in the front row?

Diane Cridennda, the acupuncturist, doing a demonstration after the lecture.  

Nervous Energy

After a lull in IVF activities, today is a huge day for us.  As I sit here this morning sipping my decaf tea with soy milk and coconut palm sugar, trying to pretend it is coffee with cream and Splenda, I find my mind racing and my eyes puffy from lack of sleep.  This morning, we meet with Dr. Magarelli to discuss what happened with the misplaced vial of blood and to determine a new schedule.

I've never enjoyed confrontation.  Don't get me wrong, I'll stand up for myself every single time I feel wronged. But I'm pretty laid back in general.  I'm not easily excitable and usually can see the other person's point of view.  Part of me is angry and irrational with boiling blood.  This part of me wants to go in, saddles blazing, and tell them exactly how angry and hurt I am by the whole situation.  As good as that would make me feel, it would only serve as a way for me to blow off steam.  It would accomplish nothing.

Almost certainly, I am going to go with the logical, rational section of my brain when having a discussion with Dr. Magarelli.  As a health professional, I realize that mistakes happen, however, I want to know that checks and balances are being put into place so that this doesn't happen to other patients.  Infertility is a very emotionally charged struggle.  You oscillate between feeling helpless that you can't control your own situation and confused about all of the women who have children they never wanted or don't treat well.  It's heartbreaking.

Thank goodness I was able to have a friend in town to make the past couple of days speed by.  Having someone to distract you from your fears and to bounce them off when you feel the need was so refreshing.  It made me realize how much more difficult this process is because I'm separated from my friends and family.  Multiple long phone conversations have helped to get me from point A to point B, but it's not the same as having a genuine hug to accompany the loving words.  Danielle, your timing was perfect.

I will update again this afternoon with my new schedule and all of the information Dr. Magarelli gives us at our meeting.

The Fertility Diet

My acupuncturist has recommended that, in addition to treatments and nutritional supplements, I augment my diet to increase fertility.  Wanting to leave no stone unturned, I agreed and began soaking in the information provided to me.

The basis for the diet is the "most comprehensive study to date following fertility and diet."  In 2008, the Harvard Nurses Health Study followed 18,000 women who, during the period of study, were trying to have a baby and correlated their eating habits with their abilities to conceive.

Diet is one of the most critical criteria used to treat ovulatory infertility (meaning the woman doesn't ovulate properly each month and that is the reason that she is infertile).  While we have not been diagnosed with ovulatory infertility, it cannot hurt to increase fertility leading into our IVF cycle.

The book "The Fertility Diet" outlines the findings of the 2008 study.  It is very easy to read and the ideas seem logical to implement.  My acupuncturist is having me take The Fertility Diet one step further by adding some Chinese medicine ideas to the mix.  The plan she is having me follow can be found at http://www.acubalance.ca/fertility-diet/acubalance-fertility-diet.  It is called yang sheng eating and is governed by the following five principles:

1.  Mindful eating:  Relax, eat slowly, and enjoy your food.
2.  Whole food:  Eat food as nature intended it in as unadulterated a state as possible.
3.  Local food:  Eat food that has been grown close to home minimizing your environmental impact and maximizing the freshness and energetic quality of the food.
4.  Seasonal food:  Nature provides just the right foods for the season.  Summer vegetables and fruits tend to be cooler and lighter while winter produce tends to be more warming and denser in nutrition.
5.  Moderate eating:  Eat only when you are hungry, stopping before you are completely full.

In addition to diet and exercise, the Acubalance Fertility diet also advocates spending time on yourself, improving your relationships with others, and spending time in nature.  These things I like very much.  And, of course, I love the IDEA of the diet, but I know that implementing it is going to be very difficult for me.  I like eating donuts at work on Fridays and grabbing McDonald's chicken nuggets when I'm in a hurry.  Also when I just want them.  I enjoy Starbucks coffee and diet coke.  Somehow, these items don't make it into the plan.

Not only is the type of food going to be a change for me, the effort and expense that goes into eating this way is hugely increased.  I'm not much of a cook, but that's primarily because I don't enjoy doing it.  Today, I went to the store and bought a week's worth of diet friendly meals and snacks.  $90!!  And that didn't include snacks for Ryan.  Our typical weekly grocery bill is closer to $75.  I promised myself when we started going down the path to IVF that I would do everything that the doctor's recommended ad nauseam.  This is not going to be fun.  Wish me luck.    

Plan B

I've taken a couple of days off from the blog while I cooled down and considered what happened.  After creating such a specific schedule and investing so much emotion into the process, I was unable to step back and come up with a new solution, which is usually something I am very adept at.  Just ask my husband.  Heaven knows he gets irritated at the fact that he can scarcely utter a complaint before I shoot back with a solution.  

When I walked into the office on Thursday morning, my office mate Ryan Murphy looked at me and said, "I read your blog.  So I guess you're just going to report to the Academy early then take leave after you get there."  I started to open my mouth to enumerate all of the reasons that this was a ludicrous suggestion.  I came up completely blank.  That doesn't happen often either.  Just ask my husband.

Being emotionally removed from the situation, Ryan Murphy had solved my huge dilemma in about 15 seconds.  As it turns out, that wasn't nearly the tragedy that I was making it out to be.  

Thanks, Murphy!  

If I'm this wound up about a little slip up at the doctor's office, I fear that my over-planning, control freak self is in for a rude awakening when we have an unpredictable little one running around the house.  The first time I get spit up on my white couch or grape juice spilled on my Jimmy Choo's, I'm going to totally lose it.  A more immediate concern is the freak show I'm going to turn into when I start taking hormones.  My poor husband.  

Oversight

Today I got some very disappointing news concerning our IVF cycle.  It turns out that when I went in for blood work on July 11th, they forgot to send in the most important vial.  They sent in the regular blood labs, but neglected to send the vial to the "special" lab that calculates my Ovarian Reserve Score. Without this score, they cannot proceed with treatment.

The blood for the OAR score is drawn on the third day of the menstrual cycle.  With them in control of my hormones and menstrual cycle, I am not due to start my period until July 31st.  That means they can't draw blood until August 3rd.  I was supposed to begin taking medications for IVF (injections) on July 25th.  Now, instead of beginning IVF, I have a meeting with the doctor on that date to discuss a new schedule.  I'm so furious I could cry.

I scheduled my move from Peterson AFB to the Air Force Academy so that I could do IVF in the transition period without inconveniencing either base.  Due to the fact that this is an elective procedure, I have to take leave in order to do it.  I don't have enough leave built up to extend the schedule any longer.  Not to mention, even if I had enough leave to make this happen, I am required to report to the Academy on Aug 31.  With the new schedule, I may be on bed rest during that time.

I guess the whole thing was just running too smoothly.  Now it's all effed up and I'm afraid it's going to effect my job.  I had tried to do this in a way that would be easy for everyone.  Now, I may just be setting myself up to make a bad impression at my new base.  I know in the grand scheme of things a few days doesn't seem like a lot, but when you've been hoping, praying, and planning so carefully, it's an eternity.

What may seem like a small oversight to the doctor's office is an egregious error to me.  It's truly effecting my life in a negative way.  I have a career to consider and an obligation to the military that I have to uphold.  Don't stress?  Yeah, right.

CAUTION: HYSTEROSCOPY IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART

This morning wrapped up the end of my testing for infertility.  I had a hysteroscope performed in order to assess whether or not my uterus was a good place for a baby to grow.  I am going to get a little bit graphic with this post.  Don't read it if lady business makes you uncomfortable.  Consider this your warning.

A hysteroscope is a scope with a light and a camera on the end of it.  The doctor places it into the vagina, through the cervix and into the uterus to assess the health of the uterus.  In case you slept through that part of health class, I've included a diagram.  

Before they begin, they clean the area out with water and a cleaning solution.  Next, so they can actually see inside the uterus, they have to make sure that it is distended.  To do this, they fill the uterine cavity with fluid.  Lastly, they move the scope around and take a few pictures.  Here is a sample of what the opening to a fallopian tube looks like under the scope.  This is not me, but I thought it would be nice to show a sample of what I saw today.

There is no doubt that today's procedure was not fun.  For the ladies who know what I'm talking about, it felt like the uncomfortable part of a pap smear, only it lingered for about 3 minutes instead of just a few seconds.  Not awesome, but not completely unbearable.  I wouldn't choose to do it again.  The good news is, I don't have to.

The results were excellent.  My uterine lining is flawless.  Before he dismissed me for the day, Dr. Magarelli said, "You should call and thank your mother for a beautiful uterus."  As I was leaving his office I did just that.  

Popping Pills

The pill I used to take.

When we first started trying to have a child, I felt like I was on top of things.  I took my prenatal vitamin on most days and I figured that I was probably doing better than the majority.  In the Assisted Reproductive Therapy world, however, this is not nearly sufficient.

 I have to take so many vitamins and supplements now, that I have to put them in pill organizers like a little old lady just to keep track of them.  In the morning I take a prenatal vitamin, Singulair, and 1000 mg of fish oil.  In the evening I take 800 mcg of folic acid, 1000 mg of fish oil, and a birth control pill.  What stinks is that these aren't even the fertility medications.  I begin those on July 25th.  I fear that my pill holders won't be large enough for everything.  

The pills I take now.

I am taking to heart all of the recommendations given to me by the doctors.  When we take our pregnancy test in seven weeks, if it doesn't come out positive, I want to be assured that it was not because of something that I should have done differently.  So I will take my pills like a champ (even though I hate it) for as long as I need to.  


Tomorrow I go into the doctor for a procedure called a hysteroscopy.  It is used to examine the inside of the uterus and helps diagnose conditions like internal fibroids, scarring, polyps and malformations.  Not exactly sure how it works, but I will learn and update about it tomorrow.  

IVF Protocol

After my balance treatment on Wednesday afternoon, I began the IVF protocol for acupuncture.  Basically, after the balance, I have to get in nine treatments that are designed to improve fertility.  Then, I do a treatment after the egg retrieval, one the night before the embryo transfer, and one the day of the embryo transfer.

The IVF protocol involves placing acupuncture needles on my back above my ovaries and kidneys and on my legs.  Then, they hook up electrodes and send an electrical pulse through the needles.  It is meant to improve blood flow to those areas.

I hated the first balance treatment, but it was mostly because I was very uncomfortable with the needles in my hands.  Maybe I'm just hypersensitive about what is happening to my hands.  This time, the rhythmic electrical pulse was actually soothing.  I was still unable to fall asleep, but maybe that will come with time.  When I first started yoga, I wasn't able to relax during final relaxation, but now I drift off to meditation land in the first few seconds.

I have now been given a tentative schedule for our IVF journey.  It's quite extensive.  Here it is:

July 13th @ 7:30 pm - Acupuncture (IVF Protocol 1)
July 16th @ 8:00 am - Hysteroscopy
July 16th @ 4:30 pm - Acupuncture (IVF Protocol 2)
July 18th @ 4:30 pm - Acupuncture (IVF Protocol 3)
July 23rd @ 4:30 pm - Acupuncture (IVF Protocol 4)
July 25th @ 9:00 am - Ultrasound and Blood Labs with Lupron start
July 26th @ 4:30 pm - Acupuncture (IVF Protocol 5)
July 28th @9:00 pm - Take last birth control pill
July 30th @ 4:30 pm - Acupuncture (IVF Protocol 6)
July 31st @ 7:00 am - Ultrasound and Blood Labs, Expect Period
August 1st @ 4:30 pm - Acupuncture (IVF Protocol 7)
August 2nd @ 4:00 pm - Stimulation Start (daily injections)
August 4th @ 8:00 am - Blood Labs
August 6th @ 8:00 am - Ultrasound and Blood Labs
August 6th @ 4:30 pm - Acupuncture (IVF Protocol 8)
August 8th @ 9:15 am - Ultrasound and Blood Labs
August 8th @4:30 pm - Acupuncture (IVF Protocol 9)
August 10th @ 8:00 am - Ultrasound and Blood Labs
August 11th @ 8:00 am - Ultrasound and Blood Labs
August 13th @ 7:00 am - Egg Retrieval
August 14th @ 4:30 pm - Post Retrieval Acupuncture
August 15th@2:00 pm - Massage to get blood flowing
August 16th @ 7:00 pm - Pre Embryo Transfer Acupuncture
August 17th @ TBD - Embryo Transfer and Post Embryo Transfer Acupuncture
August 18th-21st - Bed Rest
August 31st @ 8:00 am - Pregnancy Test

Is your head spinning?  I know mine is.

Loss

I am going to be choking back tears as I write this entire post.  Last night, Ryan and I made the heartbreaking decision to say goodbye to our beloved Phoebe.  Yesterday I received a phone call with the histopathology results for Phoebe's tracheal tumor.  It was not lymphoma.  It was much worse.  It was squamous cell carcinoma a very rapidly growing tumor that is essentially untreatable in felines.  Her grim prognosis became hopeless.

Phoebe's Last Day

After I heard the news, I went by the doctor's office to pick up some Prednisone to keep Phoebe as comfortable as possible.  When I got home, it was impossible not to notice that her breathing had declined.  I gave her the medication immediately in a desperate attempt to ease her discomfort.  As the night wore on, we sat with Phoebe downstairs in front of the television and listened to her shallow breaths until it was time for bed.  I naively waited for the medicine to kick in.

I laid in bed with Phoebe like I always do, holding her under my arm and close to my chest like a stuffed animal.  I kept listening to her breaths get progressively more laborious and I cried. I cried until two o'clock in the morning as I waited for her breaths to get stronger.  It didn't happen.  Finally, I tapped Ryan and I said, "I think it's time."  He began to cry as he silently nodded and got out of bed to get dressed.

We wrapped Phoebe in a blanket and drove to the emergency clinic.  We were both teary messes when we got to the receptionist desk.  She took us back to a room where we could enjoy our sweet kitty for a few moments longer.  Phoebe usually loves to explore new surroundings, but this time she stayed put.  Content to be near us and to purr the best she could with her shallow breaths.  They came into the room to take Phoebe back and place the IV line.

While Phoebe was away, we told her life story.  I told Ryan about when I got her, how she helped me through so much sadness when I was living alone, and how she chose Niko to be her companion.  Then Ryan began to fill in with details of his own.  We laughed and cried as we talked.  After what seemed to be an eternity, they brought our little girl back to us so we could say our final goodbyes.  We held her and told her how much we loved her, then the doctor came in to administer the medication.  We both kissed her, then watched helplessly as the life drained out of her precious yellow eyes.

People keep telling me that we did the right thing.  Knowing that doesn't make the loss any easier.  My heart is still broken.  The places she used to love to rest are still empty.  I keep trying to make sense of it.  All I can come up with is that God was trying to protect my heart and possibly even my future family.  Watching her decline steadily for four days was excruciating.  I'm not sure I was emotionally capable of doing it any longer.  And right now, more than ever, it is important for me to be stable and to limit the stress in my life as much as possible.  I think that our future with IVF would have been at risk if I was also nursing a cancer patient pet.  The stress would have been about as high as I've ever experienced in my life.  I've been told many times by my doctor, and now my acupuncturist, that managing stress at this juncture is crucial.  If the IVF had failed due to intense levels of stress, I would be childless and still slowly losing Phoebe.  I think God knows that would have broken me.

I Feel Like a Science Experiement

Today was a big day in terms of appointments for fertility.  I started out in Dr. Magarelli's office for some testing.  First thing on the agenda was blood work.  The phlebotomist looked at my paperwork and then started saying to herself, "Two tiger stripes, one pink, one purple, one red, and one blue."  She pulled a pile of vials out of a drawer and I said to her, "Are those all for me?"  She said, "Yes, but it's only two tablespoons for each vial, it's not that much."  Not that much?  I did the conversion when I got home and six vials at two tablespoons each is 3/4 of a cup.  In my book, that's a lot of blood.  Not to mention a lot of testing.

These vials are going to be sent off to a lab where they will punch my age and hormone levels into a magical algorithm to come up with what's known as an Ovarian Reserve score.  This is supposed to estimate the number of eggs I will produce.  1-5 is low, 6-10 is moderate, 11-15 is good and 16-20 is excellent.  I'm hoping for a good grade.

After the vampire attack, I headed to a room for a physical and an ultrasound.  The physical wasn't much.  Blood pressure, pulse, temp, follow my finger with your eyes and don't move your head.  I did well.  Then it was time for the ultrasound and the nurse handed me a sheet and said, "Undress from the waist down."  What?  I had envisioned cold goop on my belly.  Apparently not.  It was a vaginal ultrasound.  Ick.

When I sufficiently undressed, she came back and inserted a lubricated wand into my lady parts.  Honestly, getting a pap smear is much worse.  It was more awkward than anything else.  She then proceeded to take me on a guided tour of my own reproductive system.  It was actually pretty neat.  When it was all over, I was given a prescription for birth control so my system could be put on their schedule and I made about 10 follow-up appointments for the coming weeks.

Next, it was on to my acupuncture appointment.  I went over my medical history with the doctor then did a balance treatment.   I was really excited about starting acupuncture.  I had this vision of myself lying peacefully in a room feeling blissfully relaxed.  Not the case.  Almost every needle they put in me created an uncomfortable electrical sensation and some of those sensations persisted throughout the entire 30 minute session.  I was NOT relaxed.  The next session this Friday they begin the pre-IVF protocol.  It involves putting electrical currents through the little needles.  I'm freaking terrified.

More Needles

Yes, I am voluntarily adding extra needle sticks to the IVF process.  As it turns out, acupuncture has been proven in multiple studies to improve the chances of having a baby with IVF.  I first heard about it through my fertility doctor.  At the beginning when started talking acupuncture, I thought he was a bit of a whackjob. Then, he started discussing facts and figures from a more scientific viewpoint.  That's when I started drinking the acupuncture Kool-Aid.

Turns out, Dr. Magarelli has published multiple articles about acupuncture in a journal called Fertility and Sterility.  It's the go-to place for reputable studies on the subject.  He said, "I'm the perfect person to study acupuncture because I don't believe in it."  Years ago, an acupuncturist approached Dr. Magarelli suggesting that she could improve the results of his IVF treatments.  He thought it was a load, but he was new to the area and in no position to turn down friends in the professional community.  They tried it, and it worked.  Then, they tried it some more and it still worked.  Finally, they began to do research on the subject and were continuously surprised by the findings.  Actually, he was surprised.  She probably believed in it from the start.  They don't know the mechanism for it yet, but they're trying to study that now.  On a side note, he eventually married that acupuncturist.  I think that's fun.

Acupuncture is supposed to help lessen miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies, create more take home babies, offset side effects of IVF medication and decrease stress.  It's also supposed to help during the pregnancy and delivery.  I will have nine treatments prior to the egg retrieval (more on that as we get closer) and then I will have treatments throughout the pregnancy.  I've scheduled my first appointment for tomorrow after all of my testing.  I will most certainly need some stress relief after all of that poking and prodding.  Hopefully it does the trick.

Speaking of stress, I'm probably going to need a bit more stress relief than normal.  Today, after several hours at the Internal Medicine Vet (I was surprised they existed, too), my little Phoebe kitty was diagnosed with tracheal lymphoma.  I noticed when we got home from vacation she was not breathing well, so I took her in thinking we needed some antibiotics.  Turns out, she had a mass in her throat that was impeding her ability to breathe.  The prognosis is pretty grim.  We will start her on medication to decrease the tumor (chemotherapy for cats), but it only puts the cancer into remission.  At some point, it will rear its ugly head and her symptoms will surface again.  When that happens, we will lose her.

Anyone who knows me well knows how wonderful Phoebe is and how crazy about her I am.  I can't tell you how many self-professed cat haters have admitted she's the only cat they've ever liked.  At night, I sleep with her like a teddy bear and can hardly rest without her purr in my ear.  I plan to spend however long I have left with her loving her like crazy.  I'm devastated that she likely won't be around to know our children.  She's so good with the kiddos.

Down Payment on a Baby

Today we went to Dr. Magarelli's office to tie up some loose ends and kick off the process of IVF.  After we wrote a check for the down payment, reality began to set in.  Depending on how things go over the next few weeks, we may have just bought a baby.  Weird.  


Ryan has already completed all of his bloodwork and given them a sample of his swimmers, so all of the testing that remains is on me.  So far, I've had about four doctors check my plumbing, been tested for STDs and the like (all negative--whew!) and have had some bloodwork done.  In May, I had a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) which is where they push some radiopaque dye through a catheter up my you-know-where and check to see if the fallopian tubes are open using radiography.  The doctors were very impressed with my beautiful fallopian tubes.  They referred to them as "textbook."  


The next round of tests happens on Wednesday.  They will start with a physical to make sure I'm healthy overall.  Then, they do an ultrasound to make sure that everything is located and shaped the way it's supposed to be.  Finally, they finish with more bloodwork.  This round of bloodwork determines something called my Ovarian Reserve or OAR score.  The higher the score, the better.  It is meant to predict about how many eggs they expect to find on the day of your egg retrieval.  The more the merrier!  I won't find out the results of the blood test for about a week.  


After this appointment, they will prescribe birth control to make sure they are in complete control of when my body is doing what.  I will have one more test on Monday, then I'll be ready to start with the injections and whatnot on August 1st.  I don't know everything about that process, but soon I'm sure I will have multitudes to report on the matter.  


In the meantime, my brother and his wife Heather were kind enough to loan us some beautiful baby things in preparation.  Isis very much enjoyed the stroller when we had it out to clean it.  She's been asleep in it for a while now and it's so cute I can't bear to move her.  Guess I'll have to clean it again when she decides to move.  

Our IVF Adventure Begins

Ryan and I have been together for almost five years and have been married for the last three.  At the risk of sounding cliche, we are best friends.  During our years together, we have had tons of adventures and made many wonderful friends.  We assumed, like many married couples do, that when the time was right, we would have a family.  


When we first started trying to make a baby, we were super excited.  We would talk about our dreams and discuss ideas about the type of parents that we hoped to be.  At first, we thought it was just a matter of time.  After several months of nothing, discouragement began to set in.  Every 27-28 days like clockwork, we would find out we weren't having a child and the heartbreak would set in.  It became too much for us, we needed answers.


In February of this year, we began the first of a long series of tests to determine whether or not there was anything that could be done to help us.  During this time, I read every book on fertility that I could get my hands on.  I became a walking fertility encyclopedia.  But, to no avail.  After testing and retesting, we discovered that all of our effort and knowledge couldn't outperform our medical situation. As a couple, we were diagnosed infertile.  


Fortunately, we have a type of infertility that can be addressed by using the modern technology of In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).  If at all possible, it would be my dream to carry Ryan's child, so we're going to move forward with the process.  Tomorrow, we go to the doctor's office to finalize our decision and to set up the final tests before we begin.  I will chronicle our IVF adventure here.