It's been a couple of days since I took a home pregnancy test. I just couldn't bear to see anymore negatives. I wouldn't say that I have completely lost my hope, but I would say that I'm managing my expectations. According to the www.nyufertilitycenter.org, on day nine after a five day embryo transfer, levels of HCG should be detectable. For me, they were not. At this point, if I were to have a positive blood test tomorrow, I would fall into the realm of being the exception rather than the rule. To an extent, I have already grieved for this cycle.
I have spent more time the past few days working out what Plan B will be than I have being excited about the prospect of potentially being pregnant. In a lot of ways, this feels safer to me. If the test comes back negative, I will feel comforted by having a plan in place. If the test comes back positive, then I can happily toss my plan to the side and I still have nine months to prepare for the next adventure.
If my blood work yields a negative result, I am going to take a couple of months off before going back for another transfer. This emotional roller coaster has been exhausting and I need to get off of it. The most important task for the next couple of months is to focus on myself. I started off about 10 pounds heavier than I wanted to be, then, with all of the hormones and the ban on exercising, I gained another twelve. Now I'm 22 pounds heavier than I want to be and I hardly recognize myself when I look in the mirror. My most beautiful clothing doesn't fit me anymore, and as a lover of clothing and fashion, this really breaks my heart. I will spend the next few months unmedicated and working with a trainer at the gym.
I can't wait to get myself back, not just physically, but emotionally too. All of the hormones I took completely messed with my emotional stability. Not to mention, the whole process put so much stress on me that I was singularly focused on having a baby and forgot about many of the other things that are important to me. I'm excited about the prospect of stepping back and refocusing. No matter what happens tomorrow, we will create a happy ending.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
8 Days After the Transfer
I haven't been writing on the blog because if I actually wrote how I felt each day, then everyone would think I was completely schizophrenic. One day, I'm so certain that I'm pregnant that I'm picking out cribs and downloading relaxing music to play in the nursery. The next day, I'm devastated, crying in the shower and devising Plan B. If I were to post every thought that I had, I am sure that when I finally had a baby someone would come and take it away.
Today I am officially 8 days past a 5 day transfer. I used to find some solace in an online forum filled with other women who were going through Frozen Embryo Transfers during the month of September. Yes, the forums really do get that specific. I was certainly surprised. Anyhow, after the transfers, many of the women started taking home pregnancy tests. As early as 4 days after their transfers, these women were getting that second pink line. The majority of the ladies who did transfers the day after I did have already gotten positive results.
I took my very own home pregnancy test this morning. It was the most sensitive test on the market. I got a big fatty fat negative. I can't help feeling completely discouraged and heartbroken. The official blood test is on Monday, but I feel pretty certain that I have my answer. I know there is still a glimmer of hope, but I don't want to bank on it. Only a handful of women get a positive blood test with a negative home pregnancy test this late in the game.
If, in fact, I turn out not to be pregnant, here is a list of things to never, ever say to me.
Keep in mind I have already heard all of these in one way or another:
1) Just relax and maybe it will happen naturally.
2) Enjoy the freedom of life without kids.
3) There's always next time (unless you're willing to pay for it next time, then you can say it).
4) Maybe you weren't meant to have children.
5) My personal favorite: You can always just adopt.
Today I am officially 8 days past a 5 day transfer. I used to find some solace in an online forum filled with other women who were going through Frozen Embryo Transfers during the month of September. Yes, the forums really do get that specific. I was certainly surprised. Anyhow, after the transfers, many of the women started taking home pregnancy tests. As early as 4 days after their transfers, these women were getting that second pink line. The majority of the ladies who did transfers the day after I did have already gotten positive results.
I took my very own home pregnancy test this morning. It was the most sensitive test on the market. I got a big fatty fat negative. I can't help feeling completely discouraged and heartbroken. The official blood test is on Monday, but I feel pretty certain that I have my answer. I know there is still a glimmer of hope, but I don't want to bank on it. Only a handful of women get a positive blood test with a negative home pregnancy test this late in the game.
If, in fact, I turn out not to be pregnant, here is a list of things to never, ever say to me.
Keep in mind I have already heard all of these in one way or another:
1) Just relax and maybe it will happen naturally.
2) Enjoy the freedom of life without kids.
3) There's always next time (unless you're willing to pay for it next time, then you can say it).
4) Maybe you weren't meant to have children.
5) My personal favorite: You can always just adopt.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise
It is the day after my embryo transfer and I am in sitting in my bedroom watching Aladdin and trying to enjoy my time on bed rest. On the nightstand next to me, I have some beautiful flowers sent by my mother-in-law and the picture of our embryos propped up against it. Every time I look over, I imagine that they are snuggling in and making a home for the next nine months.
Yesterday was an exciting day in the Manning household. We spent the morning preparing for the time I would spend on bed rest and took the dogs for a walk. At 11:00 we headed to the Reproductive Endocrinologist's office for the procedure. The first order of business upon arrival was our discussion with the doctor about the number of embryos to transfer. We found out that both of the embryos that they attempted to thaw, thawed successfully and no cells were lost. This was fantastic news. After a short discussion, we decided to transfer both of the embryos.
After consents were signed, Ryan and I both got suited up and waited for the procedure to begin.
Throughout this process, there have been multiple students and interns involved in my case. For the procedure, they all wanted to come back, so I had quite the audience. Including Ryan and myself, there were nine people crammed into the tiny procedure room. It was nice to have so much support from the staff at Dr. Magarelli's office. If a medical procedure can be fun, then I guess we all had a good time and a lot of laughs preparing for the procedure. I have to say that I wasn't even the slightest bit nervous. There was so much positivity in the room, I couldn't help but to feel good about it.
The transfer itself went off without a hitch. It was as smooth as it could possibly be. After it was all over, the whole staff yelled together, "Let's have a baby!" and it made me cry happy tears. Ryan was handed a picture of our two embryos, and we looked at it together while I laid down recovering from the procedure. Honestly, the procedure itself was not very difficult. We watched on an ultrasound as the doctor placed the embryos and there was very little discomfort.
So now I just sit and wait hoping that these embryos snuggle into place while I rest in bed. I find myself analyzing every small stir in my body. Every stomach gurgle or twinge makes me wonder if the embryos are cuddling in. I like to imagine that is exactly what is happening. The worst part about this phase of IVF is waiting for a definitive answer. I am scheduled on October 1st for my first blood test to determine whether or not I'm pregnant. It will be a couple of weeks after that before I know how many implanted.
In the meantime, I greatly appreciate all the support, prayers, and thoughts that so many of you are sending our way. Ryan and I are truly blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives. We will do our best to keep everyone updated.
Yesterday was an exciting day in the Manning household. We spent the morning preparing for the time I would spend on bed rest and took the dogs for a walk. At 11:00 we headed to the Reproductive Endocrinologist's office for the procedure. The first order of business upon arrival was our discussion with the doctor about the number of embryos to transfer. We found out that both of the embryos that they attempted to thaw, thawed successfully and no cells were lost. This was fantastic news. After a short discussion, we decided to transfer both of the embryos.
After consents were signed, Ryan and I both got suited up and waited for the procedure to begin.
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| Waiting to go back into the treatment room. |
Throughout this process, there have been multiple students and interns involved in my case. For the procedure, they all wanted to come back, so I had quite the audience. Including Ryan and myself, there were nine people crammed into the tiny procedure room. It was nice to have so much support from the staff at Dr. Magarelli's office. If a medical procedure can be fun, then I guess we all had a good time and a lot of laughs preparing for the procedure. I have to say that I wasn't even the slightest bit nervous. There was so much positivity in the room, I couldn't help but to feel good about it.
The transfer itself went off without a hitch. It was as smooth as it could possibly be. After it was all over, the whole staff yelled together, "Let's have a baby!" and it made me cry happy tears. Ryan was handed a picture of our two embryos, and we looked at it together while I laid down recovering from the procedure. Honestly, the procedure itself was not very difficult. We watched on an ultrasound as the doctor placed the embryos and there was very little discomfort.
So now I just sit and wait hoping that these embryos snuggle into place while I rest in bed. I find myself analyzing every small stir in my body. Every stomach gurgle or twinge makes me wonder if the embryos are cuddling in. I like to imagine that is exactly what is happening. The worst part about this phase of IVF is waiting for a definitive answer. I am scheduled on October 1st for my first blood test to determine whether or not I'm pregnant. It will be a couple of weeks after that before I know how many implanted.
In the meantime, I greatly appreciate all the support, prayers, and thoughts that so many of you are sending our way. Ryan and I are truly blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives. We will do our best to keep everyone updated.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Transfer Day!
Today is the big day! I am massaged and acupunctured and ready for the day. We're going into our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) with a lot of optimism and prayer. At 12:15 Mountain Time (that's 2:15 for the followers in KY), we will be transferring our embryos back into my uterus and waiting for them to snuggle into the cushy uterine lining that I have been trying to create with medication for the last 2 months. We won't know until we arrive how many have thawed and how many we are going to transfer back in.
We have 6 totsicles waiting for us at the doctor's office. They are frozen in groups of two. The embryologist will begin by unfreezing the two highest quality embryos. If both survive, Ryan and I are hoping to transfer both. Each individual embryo has about a 40% chance of implanting. When you transfer two, you have an 80% chance of getting pregnant and about a 30% chance of ending up with fraternal twins (at least for our age and health). In about 1% of cases, the embryos split causing identical twins. That means, in a very very small percentage of cases, people who transfer two end up with two sets of identical twins or quadruplets. My Reproductive Endocrinologist has been practicing since 1992 and has had this happen three times total. Please pray that we are not number four.
I honestly don't have a preference about whether we have twins or just one baby, there are pros and cons to both. My only hope is that we don't have more than two, as this greatly increases the risk to both the babies and to me. I just want to have a healthy pregnancy and a baby who is a combination of myself and my wonderful husband.
Throughout this process, Ryan has proven himself to be the single most thoughtful, empathetic, and kind person that I have ever met. He is far more amazing than I even thought he might be the day that I married him. I am so fortunate to have someone like him in my life, and the world would be truly blessed to have a child of his in it. I hope that our child takes after their father in every way possible. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he will be a phenomenal dad.
After the procedure today, I will go in for one more acupuncture appointment then head home for three days of bed rest. I have spent the past couple of days setting up the room for optimum entertainment. I've filled it with books, movies, and I'll have my computer, iPad and phone on the ready for all of my electronic needs. I am hoping to catch up with friends, download music, read, and update Pinterest while I'm down. Here are some pictures of the lovely oasis that I've set up for myself. Hopefully I will manage to stay entertained.
We have 6 totsicles waiting for us at the doctor's office. They are frozen in groups of two. The embryologist will begin by unfreezing the two highest quality embryos. If both survive, Ryan and I are hoping to transfer both. Each individual embryo has about a 40% chance of implanting. When you transfer two, you have an 80% chance of getting pregnant and about a 30% chance of ending up with fraternal twins (at least for our age and health). In about 1% of cases, the embryos split causing identical twins. That means, in a very very small percentage of cases, people who transfer two end up with two sets of identical twins or quadruplets. My Reproductive Endocrinologist has been practicing since 1992 and has had this happen three times total. Please pray that we are not number four.
I honestly don't have a preference about whether we have twins or just one baby, there are pros and cons to both. My only hope is that we don't have more than two, as this greatly increases the risk to both the babies and to me. I just want to have a healthy pregnancy and a baby who is a combination of myself and my wonderful husband.
Throughout this process, Ryan has proven himself to be the single most thoughtful, empathetic, and kind person that I have ever met. He is far more amazing than I even thought he might be the day that I married him. I am so fortunate to have someone like him in my life, and the world would be truly blessed to have a child of his in it. I hope that our child takes after their father in every way possible. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he will be a phenomenal dad.
After the procedure today, I will go in for one more acupuncture appointment then head home for three days of bed rest. I have spent the past couple of days setting up the room for optimum entertainment. I've filled it with books, movies, and I'll have my computer, iPad and phone on the ready for all of my electronic needs. I am hoping to catch up with friends, download music, read, and update Pinterest while I'm down. Here are some pictures of the lovely oasis that I've set up for myself. Hopefully I will manage to stay entertained.
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| My cozy bed and nightstand full of goodies. |
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| Collection of pregnancy books, but I've already read all but two. |
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| The last year or so of Vogue, one new book (Room), one library book (From Conception to Birth), a few favorites from my collection, my journal, and an iPad for downloading books and updating Facebook and Pinterest. |
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Transfer Moved...Again
I last wrote on Monday after an appointment where everything was right on track. My estrogen level was at 230 and apparently climbing. Their goal is for estrogen to reach 300 prior to beginning supplementation with progesterone. On Friday I went in for another ultrasound a blood work to check the lining and make sure I had reached that 300 mark. After the ultrasound, they said that my uterine lining looked like it belonged in a textbook. That made me feel really confident about going into the transfer next week. After this confidence builder, I was completely blindsided when they called Friday afternoon to let me know that not only had my estrogen level not reached 300, but it had actually dropped to 214.
I was devastated. If my estrogen level didn't rise, I might have to wait until next month to try again. They asked if I could come back on Saturday morning to see if it had risen, but they made it sound like this was a little bit of a long shot. That evening, I let my acupuncturist know what had happened and she did a treatment to help stimulate estrogen production. I also added a fifth estrogen patch to see if I could get the levels to go up.
Saturday morning, I went in and had my blood drawn. It was a tough morning of waiting for the results. Needless to say, I had a one track mind. At 11:30 the nurse called to let me know that not only had my levels risen above 300, but they wanted to move the transfer up a day! What amazing news! After all of this waiting and postponing, I was actually going to get to do something ahead of schedule.
I was elated for the rest of the afternoon. That evening, Ryan and I went out with the Murphy's for sushi and indoor skydiving. We were both celebrating our 3rd anniversary and having one last night of risky fun before I find myself expecting. Only three more days!
I was devastated. If my estrogen level didn't rise, I might have to wait until next month to try again. They asked if I could come back on Saturday morning to see if it had risen, but they made it sound like this was a little bit of a long shot. That evening, I let my acupuncturist know what had happened and she did a treatment to help stimulate estrogen production. I also added a fifth estrogen patch to see if I could get the levels to go up.
Saturday morning, I went in and had my blood drawn. It was a tough morning of waiting for the results. Needless to say, I had a one track mind. At 11:30 the nurse called to let me know that not only had my levels risen above 300, but they wanted to move the transfer up a day! What amazing news! After all of this waiting and postponing, I was actually going to get to do something ahead of schedule.
I was elated for the rest of the afternoon. That evening, Ryan and I went out with the Murphy's for sushi and indoor skydiving. We were both celebrating our 3rd anniversary and having one last night of risky fun before I find myself expecting. Only three more days!
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| Waiting in our skydiving suits with Ryan Murphy and my husband Ryan. |
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| Flying high! |
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| So happy! Pictures complements of Carrie Murphy. |
Monday, September 10, 2012
10 Days Until Transfer!
As I sit here, I am sipping on what will hopefully be one of my last pumpkin ales until next fall. While I am sad about the sacrifice of the delicious pumpkin beverage, I think the trade off will most certainly be worth it. While I'm thinking about it, could someone ship me some spiced apple wine from Huber's? That is something I will most certainly miss this holiday season.
If you can't tell, I'm feeling very confident at the moment. I had a very good check up at the doctor today. They did blood work and an ultrasound. Right now my estrogen level is 230 (and increasing, poor Ryan), and my uterine lining is about 7.9 mm. They will want it to be between 12 and 16 mm by the transfer next Thursday so the embryos can snuggle in, but I am well on my way.
Today I am 10 days away from my transfer and I am starting to get excited again. Finally. I was beginning to wonder if I would this time around. I think my biggest problem now is getting it off my mind. Right now, I am not able to see patients at work due to some hoop jumping, red tape, and incompetent people in the credentials office at the Air Force Academy. That means that I spend all day at work just sitting there reading or surfing the internet. (I apologize to all of you whose tax dollars are supporting such nonsense). I am so bored that I can't help but to obsess about the process.
On Sunday, I spend three hours volunteering at the Humane Society, and it was the best three hours that I've had in a very long time. I was so busy, that I didn't think about IVF even one time. It was like freedom. I can only hope that I am able to see patients at work soon so I can stay busy and not think about everything so much.
On Friday, I went in for my first pre-transfer acupuncture appointment. I have to admit that it was much more relaxing than the pre-retrieval appointments. I actually fell asleep for almost the entire treatment. While I was sleeping, I had a dream that made me wake up with happy tears in my eyes just before the treatment ended. It was a brief dream, but I dreamed that I was riding the Dumbo ride at Disneyland, and I looked back and saw Ryan in a yellow Dumbo behind me laughing with a little brown-haired boy. I looked to my left and noticed that I was sitting next to a little brown-eyed, brown-haired girl dressed like princess Belle and she was smiling. I woke up feeling like I had seen a glimpse of a possible future for Ryan and I with children. It made me so happy.
I don't believe that I saw the actual future, but it was an idea of a family and it made me feel whole. I hope that this process leads to a family for Ryan and me. We want this more than anything. I want this to be our time.
If you can't tell, I'm feeling very confident at the moment. I had a very good check up at the doctor today. They did blood work and an ultrasound. Right now my estrogen level is 230 (and increasing, poor Ryan), and my uterine lining is about 7.9 mm. They will want it to be between 12 and 16 mm by the transfer next Thursday so the embryos can snuggle in, but I am well on my way.
Today I am 10 days away from my transfer and I am starting to get excited again. Finally. I was beginning to wonder if I would this time around. I think my biggest problem now is getting it off my mind. Right now, I am not able to see patients at work due to some hoop jumping, red tape, and incompetent people in the credentials office at the Air Force Academy. That means that I spend all day at work just sitting there reading or surfing the internet. (I apologize to all of you whose tax dollars are supporting such nonsense). I am so bored that I can't help but to obsess about the process.
On Sunday, I spend three hours volunteering at the Humane Society, and it was the best three hours that I've had in a very long time. I was so busy, that I didn't think about IVF even one time. It was like freedom. I can only hope that I am able to see patients at work soon so I can stay busy and not think about everything so much.
On Friday, I went in for my first pre-transfer acupuncture appointment. I have to admit that it was much more relaxing than the pre-retrieval appointments. I actually fell asleep for almost the entire treatment. While I was sleeping, I had a dream that made me wake up with happy tears in my eyes just before the treatment ended. It was a brief dream, but I dreamed that I was riding the Dumbo ride at Disneyland, and I looked back and saw Ryan in a yellow Dumbo behind me laughing with a little brown-haired boy. I looked to my left and noticed that I was sitting next to a little brown-eyed, brown-haired girl dressed like princess Belle and she was smiling. I woke up feeling like I had seen a glimpse of a possible future for Ryan and I with children. It made me so happy.
I don't believe that I saw the actual future, but it was an idea of a family and it made me feel whole. I hope that this process leads to a family for Ryan and me. We want this more than anything. I want this to be our time.
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| One of my all-time favorite pics of Ryan with two of our nieces and one of our nephews. |
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Here We Go!
Went in yesterday for my baseline blood work and ultrasound. Everything is as it should be. My hormone levels are all normal and my uterine lining is nice and thin. Last night, I began the estrogen patches. They are clear patches that about 1 x 1 and 1/2 inches in dimension. Apparently, they don't like sweat very much. This morning when I was working out, it got a little loose around the edges. I change them every 48 hours, so I may only have to break a good sweat once every other day if I'm going to keep them in place.
I think the worst part about them is that the glue globs up around the edges and attracts dirt and yuck. It makes me feel like a gross person. Right now I'm only wearing one, but by the time it is all said and done, I will be wearing four at a time. Don't worry, if it looks ridiculous enough, I will take a picture and post it.
Also, today I got the calendar for this cycle. According to the schedule, the transfer is September 20th and the first pregnancy test is scheduled for October 1st. At this point, I suppose I am cautiously optimistic. I have no reason to believe that things won't go well, but I didn't last time at this point either. I will just have to take the next 15 days one at a time until the transfer happens. Round two, here we come!
I think the worst part about them is that the glue globs up around the edges and attracts dirt and yuck. It makes me feel like a gross person. Right now I'm only wearing one, but by the time it is all said and done, I will be wearing four at a time. Don't worry, if it looks ridiculous enough, I will take a picture and post it.
Also, today I got the calendar for this cycle. According to the schedule, the transfer is September 20th and the first pregnancy test is scheduled for October 1st. At this point, I suppose I am cautiously optimistic. I have no reason to believe that things won't go well, but I didn't last time at this point either. I will just have to take the next 15 days one at a time until the transfer happens. Round two, here we come!
Monday, September 3, 2012
Baby Pics
A lot has happened since my last post. On Friday, I had a doctor's appointment to do an ultrasound and check for fluid in my ovaries. It's all cleared up! That means I'm on pace to do a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) on Thursday, September 20th. I'm really glad that I get to move forward, but the appointment was a little bittersweet because according to the original calendar that I got for my IVF cycle, Friday was the day I was supposed to find out whether or not I was pregnant. I had a good cry on Friday afternoon, then picked myself up and decided to focus on my list of "Fun Things Before Pregnancy."
Friday evening was nice and cool, so Ryan and I went to our gym, wallowed in the outdoor hot tub and had some good conversation. It was a really perfect night and we got to check a little something off the list. Sunday, Ryan and I watched the UK vs UofL football game and enjoyed a win for our favorite team before our guests arrived from Boulder, CO. Jim and Christina arrived in the early evening and we immediately headed out to Edelweiss to enjoy some German cuisine and, of course, some delicious German beer. I also tried Brie for the first time which is both delicious and something you're not supposed to have when you're pregnant. We ended the night with some Apples to Apples then got some rest before our big day today.
Bright and early this morning we headed out to Triple B Ranch to do some horseback riding and enjoyed a leisurely ride in pretty much perfect weather with absolutely gorgeous scenery. If my Camelpak hadn't been leaking on my back the entire ride, it would have been perfect. After that we headed out to lunch in Manitou Springs where the less than stellar waitress broke a glass of cream on Ryan's lap causing him to have to change his clothes, then paid for his meal. The Manning's just couldn't seem to keep dry today. Finally, we made a stop at Garden of the Gods to take in it's sheer beauty and awesomeness. It was pretty much a perfect Colorado Springs day.
So, to recap, this weekend I got in a hot tub, drank German beer, ate Brie, and rode horses. A very fun non-pregnant weekend. This week I get back on track preparing for my FET. Tomorrow I go in for baseline blood work and ultrasound and begin my medication for this cycle. I saved the best news for last, though. On Saturday, I went to the mail box and inside it was the embryology report and right there in the center of it was pictures of our embryos!!! Our first baby pictures! More likely than not, one of these six blobs is going to be our future child. How crazy is that?
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