Night Before the Pregnancy Test

It's been a couple of days since I took a home pregnancy test.  I just couldn't bear to see anymore negatives.  I wouldn't say that I have completely lost my hope, but I would say that I'm managing my expectations.  According to the www.nyufertilitycenter.org, on day nine after a five day embryo transfer, levels of HCG should be detectable.  For me, they were not.  At this point, if I were to have a positive blood test tomorrow, I would fall into the realm of being the exception rather than the rule.  To an extent, I have already grieved for this cycle.  

I have spent more time the past few days working out what Plan B will be than I have being excited about the prospect of potentially being pregnant.  In a lot of ways, this feels safer to me.  If the test comes back negative, I will feel comforted by having a plan in place.  If the test comes back positive, then I can happily toss my plan to the side and I still have nine months to prepare for the next adventure.

If my blood work yields a negative result, I am going to take a couple of months off before going back for another transfer.  This emotional roller coaster has been exhausting and I need to get off of it.  The most important task for the next couple of months is to focus on myself.  I started off about 10 pounds heavier than I wanted to be, then, with all of the hormones and the ban on exercising, I gained another twelve.  Now I'm 22 pounds heavier than I want to be and I hardly recognize myself when I look in the mirror.  My most beautiful clothing doesn't fit me anymore, and as a lover of clothing and fashion, this really breaks my heart.  I will spend the next few months unmedicated and working with a trainer at the gym.

I can't wait to get myself back, not just physically, but emotionally too.  All of the hormones I took completely messed with my emotional stability.  Not to mention, the whole process put so much stress on me that I was singularly focused on having a baby and forgot about many of the other things that are important to me.  I'm excited about the prospect of stepping back and refocusing.  No matter what happens tomorrow, we will create a happy ending.